I WANT TO KILL MYSELF

Zig Zigler has spawned a zombie army capable of outputting more postmodern corporate feel-good spam in a day than anyone could hope to read in a lifetime.  And now these people are here, in my workplace.

I'm not going to link directly to the specific zombie in question as I do not want them to come for me. But I haz a flavor I can share (click to enlarge):

Last Thursday  something like fifteen states passed laws prohibiting the use of prone restraints in residential facilities.  There were, I believe, some deaths among the apples.  However both apples and oranges were ruled illegal.  Better to be safe than sorry.

The moral of the story:  Try to be at least 50 lbs heavier than the non-verbal impulsive biter in the next room or you will lose a few bits.

Now that our program can no longer rely upon crisis management plans like "CPI" or "PCM," we will need something else. But what?

Luckily there are a number of inspiring motivational speakers with colorful personal backgrounds involving the Green Berets, martial arts, and/or clever mechanical inventions, who have considered the problem of sudden violence and its management. For a reasonable licensing fee, our facility may make use of several sets of glossy printed materials™ designed to empower™ us with the tools we need to ABILITATE™ the differently minded™.

Zombie quotes for flavor, but not from the zombie in question, for the sake of mah butt:

"An unforgettable experience"
“We partnered with the Ziglar team as The Bonded Family held our annual Visioneering Banquet. Ziglar, Inc., from the first call of discussion to the genuine and ongoing follow-up delivered an unforgettable experience.

As a non-profit, to be able to utilize the respected leadership of Ziglar, Inc., was a blessing. The message was inspirational, informational and motivated our supporters to see the vision and act upon it. The banquet room actually 'felt the enthusiasm' of the Ziglar team in their professional and encouraging spirit. They did a fantastic job. As a result we lived out Zig's foundational message..."You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want." -- Dan Snell, CEO, The Bonded Family

I hope you notice how the sentences above manage to convey no meaning. They are in fact a form of New Age spam soon to overwhelm a mental health agency near you, while the hoards of "Life Coaches" and "Psychotherapeutic Counselors" gear up for business.